The Taco Traveler

...and Potentially its Mathematical Calculability, and Yeah, Frankly, Probably a Nobel Prize for Science or Math or Something
 
I’m the world’s greatest shower thinker. A few mornings ago, after getting the boys settled, fed and playing in their playroom, I went to take a shower and wake myself up. It was going to be a great day, as the boys and I had planned to take off their training wheels and then go to a local park, where we’d talk to a local swim team coach and then head to a grassy area where they’d crash their newly training-wheel-less bikes and get mad at me for taking them off. After that, our plan was to stop on the way back to R’s house for some Dippin’ Dots (“Ice Cream of the Future”) and they’d be great again. But back to the shower… after like 3 minutes it became apparent that I had a problem, as the water started to rise in R’s large, 2-headed tile and glass shower with no drain stop. With no drain stop, there was no logical reason for water back-up except unseen masses of gunk and hair below the drain. I guessed there were those pesky cross-beams below the grate that the grate screws into, and they often catch what makes it through the grate. I shuddered at the thought of getting cold walking to the other side of the house to get a screwdriver, let alone pausing my shower to unscrew the drain and gouge all the junk off those cross-members. So instead, I stomped and splashed. Not angry, desperate stomps, but very calculated stomps. Like a human plunger, I used compression: foot spread as widely as possible in order to completely cover the drain, and up and STOMP! And again. After the third perfect stomp the level started to fall, and the clog released entirely. The water level went down to nothing with a satisfying slurp at the end, and I felt like Fonzie with the jukebox. Aaaaaaaaay….

My brain, released from problem #1, apparently felt a need to keep working, and soon was spinning off on its usual way building solutions to database / website development problems, and eventually it meandered over to this: “Is my absence causing Ty problems at school?” The short answer is no, I don’t think so. There is a definite possibility that things would be better if my relocation were complete, but I don’t care to share all the details of those thoughts here. The key item is this: in contemplating Ty’s needs, I started developing an algorithm for Longing. How much are we wanted or needed where we’re not? The idea stemmed from Ty but goes well beyond anyone needing me, specifically.

Is this an ambitious enterprise? Yes. I don’t think I’ve ever come up with anything this genius before. In the shower. The root of it is as follows:

Longing = (D + AD((SD/TD)*0.3301103)) * N(A*R*P) / T

In long-hand that true mathematicians would smirk at:

Distance (D) + (Anticipated Distance (AD) * (Starting Distance(SD) / Total Distance(TD))*0.3301103) * Need(N) * (Age (A) * Relationship (R) * Personality(P)) / Time (T)

Whereas distance is a great enough factor in and of itself, Anticipated Distance must be factored in. And Anticipated Distance must have a multiplication factor because if someone is already a long ways away, them moving still farther has less impact. This needs to be configured so that the AD factor increases when SD is close by, and TD is much greater. And then of course it has to be multiplied by a constant, the Pants Constant, which I figure to be 0.3301103. You don’t even want to get me started on the Pants Constant.

Okay, you don’t want to get me started on it because I don’t know. As soon as I decided it needed to be Zero-Point-Three-Three-Zero-One-One-Zero-Three (for strictly personal reasons of rhythm and symmetry), the water went cold.

Who knows what I could have been, or where our world might be right now, if, during my more formative years I’d had access to a double-headed shower with room to roam, no drainage problems, and an unlimited supply of scalding hot water.